The parents did everything right, but it happened anyway
Posted on 18. Jun, 2007 by kchristieh in articles, parenting, technical
One big lesson I’ve learned as a parent and as a friend of other parents is that doing everything right as a parent doesn’t guarantee that your kids will make good decisions or that they’ll be safe.
That truth turned tragic in the case of Kristin Helms. She was only 14 when she met a 27-year-old Texas man on MySpace. When her parents found out, they closed down her MySpace page and took away her computer privileges. But Kristin continued to communicate with the man via other computers and by phone. He led her down a slippery path to the point where she agreed to meet him near her home in Lake Forest, CA, and had sex with him twice. He cut off the relationship, and she was very upset.
At this point she did the right thing: she told her parents. They did the right thing, too: they supported her, surrounded her with love, and proceeded with prosecuting the man, who pleaded guilty.
But despite the support she received, Kristin still struggled with so much depression that she committed suicide. Today, a year later, her parents will sit at the sentencing of the man who raped her. It’s a small consolation, however, for it won’t get their daughter back.
I wish I could tell these parents how much my heart goes out to them. If I were in their shoes, I would have done the same things. I’m not sure that’s much of a takeaway lesson, but at least it shows that even when you do things right, bad things can happen. Perhaps the lesson should be to do all that the Helms’ did, but also tell your children about Kristin. Then her death won’t be for naught.
There’s a detailed story about Kristin in today’s LA Times. I’ve added it to my MySpace Parents Safety Guide page.
POSTSCRIPT: The June 19th LA Times reports that Kiley Ryan Bowers was sentenced to 9 years in prison. He has expressed remorse for his actions.
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Thank you for your effort in getting the word out regarding “Internet Safety & Awareness.”
Kristin was a kind, loving and compassionate girl who loved people and animals. She would want her pain and our families suffering to be used to help others avoid our horrific grief.
I will speak out in Kristin’s memory all the days of my life. There are children that are already more aware and alert to the dangers online because Kristin told me everything about the predator 5 weeks before her death.
Blessings to you and all children that need protection and awareness online!
Danielle Helms
(Precious Kristin’s mom June 5, 1990 – July 16, 2006)
It saddens me to see one of my closest friends portrayed in the media as a child predator. I do not believe, for one second, that it was his intention to fall prey to the attentions of this troubled young girl.
She lied to him (about her age, and about several other things), just as she lied to you (Danielle) by sneaking around to remain in contact with him.
Are you even aware, Danielle, that Kristin had told Kiley that she had been abused, and suffered from depression because of it? So, while his rejecting her may have added to her fragile mental state, it certainly does not seem to have been the cause of it.
Kristin contacted Kiley, initially. She pursued him, and continued to pursue him, even when he tried to put her off because he was concerned about the lack of honesty, on her part.
Kiley is far too shy to even talk to most women, much less touch one against her will. He did not rape your daughter, Danielle… and for you to allow him to be portrayed as a “rapist” or “predator”, I feel, is unfair. She didn’t seem to think he’d “raped” her before he rejected her, and, in fact, she continued to pursue him for months after said encounter.
Your daughter felt rejected, and angry… under the circumstances, and considering that she had a history of being less-than-honest, isn’t it possible that she may have exaggerated a bit? Isn’t it, also, possible that she was afraid that these lies might catch up with her, should she be cross-examined?
Those who have passed are always sainted in the media, while others’ good qualities are ignored, so allow me to tell you what kind of person Kiley is. Kiley, too, loved people and animals. Kiley, too, was a good student. Kiley has never smoked, drank, or used drugs. Kiley had no previous criminal record, and, in fact, had been bonded. Kiley is a very loyal friend, and will do almost anything to help those he cares about. Kiley is the type of person who, even if he is having the worst day of his life, he will set his troubles aside to try to cheer up a friend in need. In all the years I’ve known Kiley, he has never, once, lied to me. In all the years I’ve known Kiley, he’s said fewer swear words than I’ve been known to say in a single sentence. How many people do you know, that all that could be said about?
And yet the media makes my friend out to be some kind of monster!?
Kiley’s real sin, I believe, was being desperate to find love… he and I used to talk about that, a lot, as he was my shoulder to cry on when my relationships were troubled. He wanted love as desperately as I did… and I often wonder if any of this would have happened, if I’d thought of him as more than a friend (your daughter looks more like me than my own children do.)
For the record, as a mother, myself, and someone who was violently sexually assaulted when I was just 11 years old, I believe that true child predators deserve to be lynched… and if I truly believed Kiley capable of touching a woman or child against her will, I would provide the rope, myself.
I know how difficult suicide is to deal with, my father committed suicide 4 years agom and I lost my first love to suicide… but blaming others won’t bring closure, because in our hearts, we know that, for whatever reason, it was their choice to end their life, and theirs alone.
Danielle, if ever you’re ready to hear a different side of the story, I believe the webmaster has my e-mail.