A metaphor: my daughter exploring alone on a recent hike

I never got the chance to say goodbye to my daughter when I dropped her off at college last week. She didn’t realize that when she went to her sorority information meeting it would be the last time she would see me that day, and was surprised that I’d left campus by the time it was over. Her roommate’s parents and I had remarked that we were impressed by how our daughters had no separation anxiety, which is true, but I know my daughter had planned on at least a quick hug. It was ok; I got to see her twice over the next few days as I brought her bike and a few other items down to campus. Still, no tears on either end. She’s thrilled to be in college, and I’m thrilled for her.

Today’s NY Times reports in Students, Welcome to College; Parents, Go Home that many colleges are encouraging students and parents to make a more formal break. Whether they host a parents-only reception at the end of the day or hold a ceremony with parents on one side and students on the other, colleges feel the need to shoo the parents off school grounds at a certain point. One school even shuts the gates to keep the parents out. It sounded like this was a good idea in certain situations. Some of the parents they interviewed admitted they are having a tough time saying goodbye.

Hopefully these kids realize how lucky they are. If the parents are guilty of anything, it’s a surplus of love. It manifests itself differently in different people, and needs to evolve over time, but at least these kids have someone who cares enough to drive them to campus, help them move in, and pay $54,000 a year to educate them.

And to save them a bedroom for when they come home in four (hopefully not five) years.

On the afternoon of September 16, 2004, a joyous 18-year-old, Lynn Gordon Bailey Jr., pledged Chi Psi Fraternity at the University of Colorado. The next morning he was found dead, a victim of an irresponsible hazing ritual involving alcohol. A sad situation, but made even worse because it was so preventable.

Every year, a staggering 1,700 college students face the same fate. Another 100,000 are victims of sexual assault as a result of heavy drinking. But no one working on a national level to change a culture that puts our young people in peril. Until now.

HAZE is a feature documentary, created with the intent of placing a focus on the issues of binge drinking, alcohol-laden hazing rituals, and rapid-fire drinking games. Simply stated, the film’s goal is to save lives and prevent harm.  Harm that would never have happened if a few crucial steps had been followed by friends, by fraternity brothers and sisters, family members or peers. HAZE won’t end irresponsible drinking but it will be the first chapter in an educational process for parents and young adults–teaching us what to do and what to look out for in order to “save a life.”

When I sent my daughter the link to the movie, I also reminded her that a small amount of hard liquor can equal a full beer, and that these days the hard liquor that’s often consumed is a far cry from the beer that was often consumed when I was in college. I told her that I hoped she continued to make safe, healthy decisions, but that this was important to see because she may need to do the right thing in helping someone who isn’t making good decision. She emailed me back to say that she’d seen this already (haha – I think I emailed it to her awhile back, too!) and that she’s actually seeing less irresponsible drinking thus far in college than she did in high school.

So it’s good that I also sent this link to my son, who’s now a senior in high school. He’s already seeing people making some bad decisions, and I want him to know what can result.

Thank goodness it came with a warning.

It reminded me of the recent series of article about Project 50 in the LA Times. What would happen if we provided housing to the homeless?

Too bad she didn’t stop by my car, and too bad my purse was out of reach in the back, or I would have complimented her on her shirt and helped make wearing it worthwhile.

I didn’t follow my father’s advice. When it came time to choose a college, I chose a California school with fantastic weather and a great engineering program. I stayed in California after I graduated, and moved south to even better weather. This past week I vacationed in Lahaina, Maui, and stayed in a townhouse on the beach. As much as I love So. Cal., this beat it.

But would I ever move here? Half of me would move here in a heartbeat, but the other half would miss my friends and family on the mainland. Technology and vacationing visitors would help, but several friends who’ve lived here have said that after awhile they got “island fever” and missed what they left behind. Of course, what makes this all a dream is that it’s expensive to live here and we wouldn’t have as many business opportunities.

Would living in Paradise make us happier anyway? I’m happy enough, so why mess with it? However, I’d love to wake up and see the ocean waves crashing outside, and to learn to stand up on a surfboard and paddle around and watch the sea turtles, and ride around in a kayak. I think these would enhance my happiness by making me more fit and relaxed.

Maybe some day I’ll test this out.

We had a staredown, and the wasp won. I exited out a different door.

Hopefully there isn’t a whole hive of these nearby.

I’ve slipped so many words of advice into the last few months that I can’t remember them all. I’ve advised her to get enough sleep, check out professor ratings before she takes a course, check out a Christian group on campus, plan ahead but don’t be obsessed about planning too far ahead, and to make college as close or as far as she wants it to be. I’ve also advised her to take a self-defense class, use two locks for her bike, find a quiet place to study, get to know her professors, not be afraid to ask for help, and more. She’s probably heard each of my words of advice several times, but I think she’s taking them to heart.

Recently I decided to test the new Facebook Questions feature by asking the following question: What advice would you give to someone just about to start college? Here are the answers I’ve received thus far from my wise Facebook friends:

• Take care of yourself.  Find a balance in your day-to-day schedule that allows you to get your work done, make friends, enjoy social opportunities, and stay healthy.  Know and respect your personal limits and needs.  Make choices that work for you.  They might be different from those of your friends, and that’s OK.
• If after awhile you feel you’ve chosen the wrong major, it’s okay. You’re young, there’s time. You are allowed to change your mind.
• A few of us at Archimedes presented on this very topic a few months ago, for a local Catholic school’s senior salute, and in preparation for the talk, we surveyed lots and lots of recent college grads. Mostly, their responses were about money (keep track! Pennies and Home Budget are helpful iPhone apps, so is Mint.com if you prefer cards to cash) and insurance (so many of the twenty-somethings we talked to WISHED they’d visited the doctor, dentist, or counseling office while it was still free and provided by their university; after you graduate, these things either aren’t available or they’re very hard to fund on an independent contractor/entry-level salary).
• - Take every opportunity to get to know your professors and let them know who you are.
  - If you live within driving distance from home, resist the urge to come home on weekends. Stay at school and begin the process of establishing new friendships.
  - View your first year as a buffet.  Take every opportunity to take classes that expand your academic experience.
  - There’s no rush to the finish line. Savor your time in college.
• In the interest of your parent’s checkbook, take classes that fulfill requirements, but do not be afraid to venture outside your comfort zone, explore new subjects, and take classes that sound interesting and/or have “highly rated” professors. Ratemyprofessors.com is a great source for student feedback on professors!
• Follow your instinct about people.  You are exposed to lots of new people in the college environment and it can be tricky to navigate.  It is hard to be guarded and open at the same time so try and find balance while trusting yourself.
• What Paul Graham says…http://www.paulgraham.com/hs.html.
• You do not have to know what you want to do/major, you go to college to become more educated;l earn, explore, study, experience and it will come, and remember you can always transfer if it is not a good fit!
• View learning as a great big fun opportunity and not simply as a means to a goal. Make friends with folks who think and act differently than you. You will learn as much from them as from your professors.
• Follow your heart. Pursue a major that you’re passionate about. Don’t worry about whether it’s one that’s associated with making a good living. Live a good life. Money will follow.
• Take your time and enjoy every moment. It’s a wonderful experience and who knows if you’ll ever go through something like it  in the future.
• If you find yourself studying insane hours, try to study less and THINK more.  Take some interesting classes for a pass/fail grade.
• Design your schedule of studies to allow for study abroad. Some majors make this difficult so you may need to plan a year or two ahead.
• Stay healthy.  Try to get regular sleep.  Get some exercise.  And don’t forget to eat some vegetables!  Have fun, too!
• Stay single and raise your kids that way.

Of course, I’m not the first to give or seek advice for college students. The most comprehensive lists I’ve found are on the Professors’ Guide blog. A few of my favorites there include:

• 15 Secrets of Getting Good Grades in College
• 13 Ways to Make Your Professor Love You
• Top 10 Tips for Taking Essay Tests
• Professors’ Guide even has advice for parents: 10 Things Every Parent Should Do to Help Their College-Bound Kid

One of my favorite blogs is Moms of Gen Y. I love learning from those who go ahead of me. A few of my favorite posts there include:

• College: The Reality: Academics, Codes of Conduct, Involvement…
• Life in College

There are so many doors open to my daughter right now, and I can’t wait to see which she chooses to enter.

The other day he treed a squirrel. The squirrel screamed like crazy, making louder squirrel noises than I’ve ever heard before.

Ricky wouldn’t back down.

Finally, the squirrel backed down the far side of the tree and ran to the bushes on the side of the yard.

Ricky couldn’t find it at first.

He finally gave up when the squirrel jumped to the avocado tree next door.

Time to come inside and get a treat!

Who runs this house anyway?!?!?

This was our view. I love it when there’s no one blocking my view.

I must confess that I actually really enjoyed the movie. It had a few more twists than I expected, and I appreciated the genuine depth of the love that Charlie (Zac Efron) had for both his brother and a certain young lady.

Let’s fill this theater up!

The courtyard is a wonderful meeting place. There are even really comfortable lounge chairs with cushions.

Here’s a view of the inside of the Steven and Kathryn Sample Hall. If I were an undergrad, I’d hang out and study here.

I LOVE this tapestry in the foyer of Sample Hall. What an honor for the students who are featured on it! Click on it to see a larger version.

Here’s the inside of the food court, which features Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Wahoo’s, Panda Express, and California Pizza Kitchen.

Too bad it’s not bigger. It was very crowded, and school hasn’t started. Hopefully USC will improve University Village soon!